


A Post War Emotional Collapse

by APlagueOnBothYourHouses



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Study, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm back projecting onto Alec like always, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Kinda, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Near Future, Post 2x20, Post-Canon, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, i guess, its 2 am so this is probably Not Good, its also referenced that jace died temporarily oops, references to 2x08, sort of, they're not together but they're not not together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 04:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11752350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APlagueOnBothYourHouses/pseuds/APlagueOnBothYourHouses
Summary: “I don't know. I can't do this. I just… I think you were right. I'm stopping you from-”Magnus shushed the stubborn boy gently, scrubbing fiercely at his wet eyes, “You’re not stopping me from doing anything, Alec. I’m so sorry that I made you doubt yourself. I was hurt but that doesn’t excuse my actions.”“But you were hurt because of me. I deserved every single thing you did afterwards… You were justified.”The warlock smiled sardonically, “We both came from a place of hurt… Of love and self preservation. Maybe neither of us were fully justified but that just means that neither of us were wholly to blame… Alec, if I have to I will tell you that every single day.”





	A Post War Emotional Collapse

**Author's Note:**

> It's 2:40am, I'm several episodes behind but I have a tumblr and I see spoilers and theories and I love projecting onto fictional characters so here I am hurting These Boys Again.  
> I also kinda skim edited but again it's early y'all, so it won't be perfect. I just hope it's coherent lol   
> Warning for vague-ish mentions of Alec feeling like he did during Max's rune ceremony.

Stupidly enough, it's the calm _after_ the storm that finally has his mind reeling. He’d held himself together during the battle, it had been his duty as the head of the institute. But… How was he supposed to just stay emotionless? The fighting was over, valentine was dead, his son captured, a world ending apocalypse had been averted (again) and everyone he loved was alive.

He had to keep reminding himself of that.

Jace had been fatally wounded, and in the moments right before his parabatai’s temporary death, Alec had felt an emptiness so vast it was as though he were the one dying. He shuddered at the rogue thought _wishing_ it had been him. Alec owed Clary his life, for everything from her forgiving him for Jocelyn's death to her quite literally saving Jace's life with one of her unofficial runes. Since the moment Jace's heart stopped his and Alec's bond had been, for all intents and purposes, shattered. Neither could feel the other, and the sensation was one akin to someone _painfully_ having any and all sense of balance ripped out of them. Alec felt as though a piece of himself was gone. And just the thought of _any_ of his siblings not being okay was enough to take his breath away. It had been so close, if Clary hadn’t- but she had. She had.

_They're all alive._

_They're all okay._

_They're all at the institute._

Alec sighed deeply, eyes glazing over. He simply didn't have the energy to refocus them, and he stared blankly at the dimly lit park he was (hiding) in. Max, sweet, tiny Max, had nearly been murdered by someone Alec had allowed into the institute. Then, not seventy two hours later, Jace had- he couldn’t even _think_ it. To make matters worse, everyone else Alec had ever loved had been in danger during the final battle. His siblings, his friends, his mother, Magnus.

The warlock’s name had his thoughts grinding to a halt, the very idea of thinking about the older man was so painful that Alec could feel his heart start to physically ache. His tryst with Magnus after Valentine’s invasion of his body had been so short lived, the conflicting emotions between them were enough to give him whiplash. Magnus had said he needed space from Alec to be an objective leader and then he’d sided with the fair folk.

That had been rough.

In the moments where he had to look at the love of his life on the opposite side of a fucking war, Alec had repeated an old mantra to keep himself sane. _Emotions are a distraction._ Emotions got him into the mess he had been in, and continuing to be emotional would only lead to more pain. He had to accept that Magnus had betrayed him and move on to protect his people (and his own heart, though he stubbornly refused to admit that).

But Magnus hadn't betrayed him, not really. He’d had his suspicions and needed to definitively know the what the Seelie Queen's true intentions were. So he'd, for lack of a better term, gone undercover to make her think he was with her faction. When it came down to the wire, when flames were pouring from the sky, Magnus had returned and saved Alec’s life. Like always.

But by then, Alec was just too _lost_ to care.

Magnus had told him his plan, and even apologized for not briefing Alec.

He had said, “I needed her to sense no weakness within me… I needed your genuine reaction for her to not question my resolve… I am so sorry Alexander, truly.” But Alec had shaken his head quickly and waved off the apology. Magnus shouldn't have to apologize to _him._ Not with what he'd done.

He didn't deserve Magnus.

Not back when they first met and certainly not after everything Alec had done to hurt him.

But now that there were no demons to kill or evil shadowhunters to stop, there was nothing stopping him from _thinking_ . And on whatever park bench in wherever Brooklyn, he had plenty of space to lose himself in and do just that. His normal methods to therapeutically put an end to the nasty thoughts that he couldn’t shake was to punch the shit out of something until his hands bled. But he couldn't even train at the institute because of the damage _his_ institute sustained during the fight.

His institute. God, he’d had one job. Two primary things to protect. His home and his people. Then Magnus had given him the perfect opportunity to do just that- he’d left. He did it to distance himself emotionally. That had been the perfect out and since, theoretically, that meant Alec didn’t need to focus on his love life and his duty as a shadowhunter at the same time, he should have been able to _do_ his one job. But no. No, he just couldn’t _stop_ feeling for five minutes and _fight-_

He’s so fucking useless.

How he wishes he could just _stop_. If he could just close his eyes and never have to think about anything having to do with his love life or The Clave or valentine or-

“Alexander?”

Fuck.

He kept his eyes firmly shut, trying to ignore the concerned voice. But he couldn't, he'd done so much bad since he and Magnus had met and he couldn't force his eyes to stay closed. Especially not when his mind conjured up the mental image of his ex’s (?) soft, concerned eyes. Alec could picture his pinched brows, the perturbed creases around his eyes. He could picture everything in startling detail but he couldn’t just open his goddamned eyes.

“Alexander.” Magnus sounded confused, as if he'd been trying to get Alec's attention for a few seconds longer than the shadowhunter had realized.

With a shaky inhale, Alec forced his eyes open but stubbornly refused to look at Magnus. He ducked his head with a sigh and tried to shake the weariness from his soul. There was nothing he could say to accurately articulate just how _sorry_ he was.

“Alec…” Magnus’ voice was soothingly low, and he trailed off for a moment before continuing with a wince, “Jace called, when you didn't come back to the institute. He wanted to know if-”

“I'm fine. It's fine. You didn't have to-”

“I wanted to.” Magnus whispered harshly, though not unkind, “I wanted to talk to you. To apologize.”

What?

Out of everything Alec had imagined Magnus saying, it wasn’t… _That._

“You don't need to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong.”

Magnus scoffed in a way that Alec recognized as self deprecating and lonely. It was a horribly defeated sound coming from someone who didn’t deserve to feel so lowly about himself. That alone almost forced Alec's eyes up.

Before Magnus could even open his mouth to say anything else, Alec continued, “I'm the one who should be apologizing. Anything that you think you did wrong was only done because I keep fucking everything up.”

Magnus made a deep, wounded noise, and _finally_ Alec's eyes met his.

And his breath surged harshly from his lungs

Magnus’ eyes weren’t glamoured, and those beautiful golden irises were full of so much pain that Alec wished he'd never gotten him involved so emotionally with the New York institute. Magnus Bane deserved to be happy, and lately all Alec had done was put such heartbreakingly broken looks on his face.

“Alexander, you've made mistakes. But so have I… And the difference between us is that you're so incredibly _young._ You're allowed to not have every answer the first time you face a problem.” Magnus reached hesitantly to the nephilim next to him and it took everything in Alec's power to not flinch away. He didn't deserve magnus’ comfort.

“But you were right.” he wheezed. He could feel his throat close up as frustrated tears sprang to his eyes, “I'm always going to be what holds you back.”

With that revelation came a dizzying feeling. The return of this horrible feeling left ice in his veins. It felt _horrid_ like-

Like he did when-

Back, a lifetime ago, at max’s runs ceremony. When he was about to-

The dread in the lowest part of his chest rose like a deadly smog and created an equally as familiar nervous beating in his temples. Suddenly he was several stories in the air, overlooking the streets of Brooklyn right before he let himself-

When he fell-

“ _Alexander.”_ Magnus’ hands were cupping his cheek, he had moved significantly closer to the younger man and his face was somehow even more agonized than before.

Alec just couldn’t _stop hurting him._

Suddenly, Alec jerked away from the man he loved violently, he kept doing this. Magnus had been through hell, he'd faced new and relived old traumas _and he still keeps trying to help Alec._ With a sickening lurch, Alec could feel the deep tendrils of panic beginning to claw at his lungs, squeezing the breath from his chest and replanting seeds of self loathing in his mind.

Mercifully, Magnus didn't try to touch him again, but his smooth, calm voice was slowly seeping back into Alec’s consciousness, “Alexander, dear, you _must_ breathe. Please, for me, you're holding your breath and you _have to stop._ Now. Inhale, that's good Alec, I'm so proud of you.”

Without his permission Alec’s voice betrayed him, “you shouldn't be.”

Neither man was trying to hold back their tears anymore. It was too soon after their split, too soon after the battles that had taken place. Too soon after old wounds were ripped open and neither one of them had had time to refortify their mental defenses.

Magnus tentatively reached out his hand again, only touching Alec after the boy didn't move away again, “I wish you would let yourself make mistakes, Alec. Nothing that has happened here is your fault.”

With a shake of his head, Alec’s eyes met Magnus’ sadly, “I want this all to stop, I just want all of it to be done.”

“You… Alec,”  Magnus froze, ice forming in his chest. “You're not, you-”

“I don't know. I can't do this. I just… I think you were right. I'm stopping you from-”

Magnus shushed the stubborn boy gently, scrubbing fiercely at his wet eyes, “You’re not stopping me from doing anything, Alec. I’m so sorry that I made you doubt yourself. I was hurt but that doesn’t excuse my actions.”

“But you were hurt because of _me._ I deserved every single thing you did afterwards… _You_ were justified.”

The warlock smiled sardonically, “We both came from a place of hurt… Of love and self preservation. Maybe neither of us were fully justified but that just means that neither of us were wholly to blame… Alec, if I have to I will tell you that every single day.”

Tearfully, the shadowhunter embraced the downworlder. Into Magnus’ neck he mumbled, “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Magnus sighed sadly, “Neither do I, but we’ll figure it out, Alexander… I promise.”


End file.
